It’s been a while, I know. I’ve written a few things between now and my last post (which was in AUGUST! Where does time go?) – and I totally planned to share them with you. I wrote on good days, I wrote on bad days. But when I read these potential posts over again, something kept me from sharing them. Keeping this blog and getting so personal with my writing has been a trip. It’s scary. And I’ve had a challenging few months, which doesn’t make being vulnerable on the internet any easier.
Over the past few months, I’ve written about anxiety and feeling trapped. I’ve written about home and belonging. I’ve written about being hurt and silenced. I’ve written about getting lost in the desert but finding something along to way – about falling (literally) and getting back up again (literally and figuratively). I’m not sure why I didn’t share my reflection on visiting Joshua Tree. It was the most beautiful, hopeful thing I’ve written in a while. It was all about love and cherishing the imperfect, incomplete moments that make up so much of life. Here’s a piece of it:
Ok – Reading this again, I do know why I didn’t post it. I guess sharing feelings of joy and growth and hope can be just as scary, if not scarier than sharing feelings of pain and doubt. The day after I wrote this, I slipped and fell into a real dark place and couldn’t get out. Hope lost. So why share something that’s so fleeting anyway?
Because the moments of hope and light matter most. And I’m back from the darkness. My big project at work is over. I don’t feel like I’m hanging on by a thread. I want to catch up with my friends and family and find out what’s been going on in their life for the past 5 months – rather than ranting to them about my life loudly and without taking a breath… like, all the time.
I want to be the person I know I can be, who I’ve been working to become for so long. It’s been a challenging few months, but I feel more confident now than I have in a while. It feels good.
All of this is to say that I am here, and I want to keep writing. And I hope that I can start writing here again with more intention and not make posts that cause everyone I know to call me to tell me I scare them. My goal is to post here every other week to start… hold me to it, friends!
Love and light even in the darkness,
God save our young blood | My Winter 2018 playlist. Follow me on Spotify as I update my new Spring playlist! The list below was born on my trip back east for the holidays. It's old, new, weird, kinda one-note at times, but it's gotten me through a lot!